Who has he become?

The last few nights, i have had insomnia. As a result, i have read a book, played some WoW (got a new bow in Pit of Saron), read some fanfiction (most of it very ill, as the stories that are good aren't really being updated lately), watched the first two episodes of Doctor Who ever, and finished season four of Doctor Who and watched three of the specials with David Tennant, the latest being "Waters of Mars."

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Read at your own risk!

Last night, i think, was the scariest thing i have ever seen, and not because of the infected humans, but because the Doctor breaks. This special is one of the few episodes in which the Doctor has no companion whatsoever: there are only the people that he meets for the first time within the time he is visiting. And the sad part is that he realizes that he has read about these people before and they are all going to die that very day. But they've taken him prisoner, as it were, and he is forced to watch the first of them succumb, and when they finally let him go it's all falling apart, and he's walking away, back to the TARDIS, back to safety... and he just breaks. He does the thing that has kept him separate from the Master, from all the bad guys, and decides that consequences be damned, but he's the last Time Lord and he is going to be the one to decide who lives, who dies, and where time changes.

As i said, it was the scariest thing i've ever seen, because he was going mad with the pain. So was i, in a way: TV, movies, books, always affect me hugely, i'm always crying, etc. i was sobbing and heartbroken as he walked away. In that moment i wanted to run and hide nearly as much as i wanted to be able to reach through the screen and touch him, hold him. i discovered something about the show that bothered me, that has struck me about Doctor Who as a whole: of all the lessons that he has learned, pain that he has felt, all the people he has lost and saved, he's never learned two things. 1 ~ He keeps coming back for more pain... which is incredibly sad, but not necessarily a bad characteristic.

2 ~ Death is not always a negative. In "Blink", the cop is ready to die, he's had a long full life with a woman that he loved, and the same seems to be true of Sally's friend Kathy. Ironically, the life that the Weeping Angels condemn them to turns out to be happier than the ones they lost. What really bothers me is that, in "Forest of the Dead", the Doctor condemns the woman he will eventually love to a nightmare... and then they portray River as being happy. He then does the same thing to the Captain in "Waters of Mars": because he saves her, she's forced to commit suicide to regain the nobility of her death. It might have been all right if he had taken her somewhere safe, somewhere across the universe, but no, he drops her on her doorstep.

i do not understand why the Doctor cannot understand that death is sometimes longed for, preferable to the pain, to the horrors one's selfishness could cause. i guess that it is because he has never had to experience death himself, because he is always watching people slip away while he is forced to regenerate, live forever. But why would River be happy with three fake children and no Doctor? Why would Rose be happy with a broken half-Doctor that has committed mass murder without a second thought? (Of course he's a git and still won't even tell Rose that he loves her, so good riddance in a way, of course it has to be said, you idiot!) Why would Donna be happy with her brain wiped and the switch reset to mundane? The entire point is that these women were utterly unhappy without the Doctor and were willing to sacrifice everything to be with him, even die.

This is why i dislike Matron Joan... no matter how much the Doctor has hurt you, how can she just turn her back on him? All because he was man enough to return to who he really was instead of being selfish enough to remain who a part of him desperately longs to be??? She did not love him enough. She did not understand that the reason everyone loves him is because he runs towards trouble and puts it back in its place. The reason everyone loves him is because he freely sacrifices of himself for the entire universe, despite the fact that the job is utterly thankless most of the time. People blame him for the trouble he puts down.

But of course, now the Doctor is broken, and slipping away from me forever. i am, of course, hugely curious as to what #11 will be like, but i rather got it in my head that he was going to turn out to be a past incarnation, that it would be the Doctor during the time war... between 8 & 9. i wanted to hold on to the possibility that we could someday get #10 back, after the Last Great Time War is explained. Now that the Doctor has snapped and has decided that he is the Lord of all Time alone... it would be very easy for TPTB to therefore make him try to fix the Last Great Time War, despite the fact that it was timelocked. That, of course, could be considered to be a noble endeavor, but if he refuses to travel with a companion because they only get hurt, because it therefore hurts him too much... who is there to hold him back??? i know 11 has a companion, but there are two more "hours" for 10 (it really comes to about an hour and a half of viewing time with the commercials omitted), and i'm wondering how the heck he's going to be fixed in that amount of time. Wilf has his work cut out.

When did it happen that i became infatuated with a lanky boy ten years my senior? Chris was my first Doctor, i'm supposed to love him more, right? It feels like a betrayal to be so wrapped up in #10. The first Doctor is utterly foreign to me. On the other hand, i'm not sure i want to meet River's Doctor. i think i caught a glimpse of him last night, and it was utterly and completely wrong. i feel stupid to be so utterly bereft. Why do i keep getting sucked in? i'm tired of being so wrapped up in fictional characters' pain, i want to heal and i want to find my own companion... just one. i'm so tired of being single.

dang it

i've already gone through the Frozen Halls attunement process, finally updating my boots to the Muddied Boots of Brill (upgrade from Dawnwalkers, which were from Naxx), which makes me happy. However... i got an upgrade stolen from me by the new loot system, which will not let me roll on leather (Shaggy Wyrmleather Leggings are a definite upgrade from Valorous Cryptstalker Legguards), so they were automatically disenchanted. i guess that's more fair if no one actually needs them, however... i did need them. /sigh

WoW.com is hiring

i think i'm going to apply for the hunter columnist position. i'm nervous about it, though: i've never been paid for my writing, and even though i feel like i'm an aweseom hunter that doesn't mean other people necessarily agree with me.

Possibility as sung by Lykke Li in New Moon

i woke up with this song stuck in my head. i looked it up on the net, but none of the pages i found seemed to have the lyrics quite right. So i modified them to what i think they actually are. This song is awesome, they use it when Bella is sitting in her room, staring off into nothing, for the months without description that occur directly after Edward leaves and Sam finds Bella in the woods.

It's a possibility
It's a possibility
All that I had was all I'm gonn' get
mmMmmMmmMmMmmm

There's a possibility
There's a possibility
All I wanted is gone with your stare
All I wanted is gone with your stare

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one who'd know
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know

mmMmmMmmMmMmmm
mmMmmMmmMmMmmm
mmMmmMmmMmMmmm

Know that when you leave
Know that when you leave
By blood about me you'll walk like a thief
By blood about me I fall when you leave

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one who'd know
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know

So tell me when my sigh is over
You're the reason why I'm closed
Tell me when you hear me fallin'
There's a possibility it would show

mmMmmMmmMmMmmm
mmMmmMmmMmMmmm

By blood and by me I fall when you'll leave
By blood and by me i follow your lead

mmMmmMmmMmMmmm
mmMmmMmmMmMmmm
mmMmmMmmMmMmmm
mmMmmMmmMmMmmm

Luna Nueva

There were posters all over Barcelona, particularly on the metro. i finally saw it on Saturday. Let me just say that it was a huge relief because it was sooo much better than the Twilight movie was. i can hardly wait for Eclipse to come out now! We'll have to see how much longer i can wait to see it again, but right now i'm in the midst of finals (of course).

ETA: Yeah, the Remember Me preview was pretty awesome, and i'm not even a Pattinson fan. Gotta love having Claire from Lost, who's got the same dad as in October Sky.

the angels have the golden box!

Very recently i went on a cruise to Europe and Egypt. Inside the museum at Cairo was a King Tut exhibit. i was not allowed to take my camera inside the museum, regrettably, but thanks to the internet i was able to find images of Tut's Canopic Shrine, which greatly surprised us as Dr. Who fans.

yay! hulu is even more my friend!

Remember how i said that the end of Inu-Yasha was lame because it had no closure? Well the manga was apparently still going strong even after the anime was canceled and has continued to gain support. A new show, Inu-Yasha: the Final Act, has just started airing with 26 new episodes to finish out the story, and according to this article--Inu Yasha Final Act Simultaneous Release Planned--they're dubbing the English version at the same time and releasing it on Hulu. So i need to start watching it before it's replaced with later eps!

What's funny about my experience with anime is that i prefer Inu-Yasha in English (it was my first anime, and the Japanese voices just don't sound right to me), while Vandread and Full Metal Alchemist i would usually try to watch in Japanese and subtitled, but would watch both ways. i'm thinking about taking Japanese next fall.

astonishing, i know

i'm thinking about quitting WoW. Which is odd, because i am so in love with the game that one might even go with the label addicted. However, i am now guildless, have half rate gear because i was never deemed worthy of progression runs or running full clears long enough for me to get the drop off the final boss. i am so tired of being out dpsed by jerks and idiots who happen to have a better gun. If we had the same weapon, i would out dps them, and i often am very close to their level of dps with a far inferior weapon. Then i have to pug to get into dungeons for emblems and end up having to work incredibly hard not to pull agro off the tank. Last time i was in H ToC i kept my jousting javelin equipped for a long time and was still pulling agro. When i put my sword back on my belt i literally had to FD and MD every time the cd was up.

Other reasons: i want to get A's and am taking upper level courses for the rest of my school career, and... i cannot really afford the $15 a month fee. But i don't want to give up on gaming entirely. i miss Diablo II. i could play alone or with my sister (another reason WoW has lost it's charm, i've been utterly abandoned yet again). When playing with others, Diablo's minions get stronger accordingly, but you could totally solo everything (well, Diablo was nearly impossible to defeat as an assassin, but you get the idea). i finally looked up Aion, after purposefully ignoring it because there was no way i could take it up and play WoW, and wouldn't you know, it looks awesome but costs more to buy and still has the $15 a month fee. i've thought about Guild Wars, but when i looked it up online it looks like they want you to pay for additional items, like characters and bank slots (from what i can make out). Similarly, LotRO was horrible when i did the free trial, and i couldn't even try another class without deleting the first.

So i am not really sure what to do. i don't really like feeling like there is always a couple of people in any guild i join that have it out for me. i get overly defensive and emotional. i've been thinking about that a lot the past couple of days and feel that i probably get that from my father, who is very adamant about always being in command and having his wishes followed exactly, yada, yada, yada, as if he has an irrational fear of being disrespected or looked down upon that i have somehow inadvertently inherited. What really disturbs me is that i'm nice, i help people out, and i usually get mistreated. For example, Levi accused me of behaving the way that he allowed Daymann to, and because they know each other in RL, Daymann was often inexplicably rewarded after bad behavior. Trying to find help about what to take up instead of WoW i only stumbled upon people who were addicted to WoW and quit the game and described themselves as being right jerks while playing, on 24/7, and so rich that it was ridiculous (yeah, i'm not really addicted compared to some, though i did play too much in an attempt to curry favor from Levi, and we all know how that turned out). That (rude behavior) is so not who i am. i'm so tired of constantly being let down and being alone. idk, maybe i should just join a knitting circle or something. i really do not know what to do, i'm so tired of feeling so alone. i wish the Doctor would come rescue me... of course, a Mediterranean cruise would seem rather tame after traveling around in the TARDIS for a while.

/sigh... david and zach

i found this post quite a while ago, after i had started watching Doctor Who, but before getting to series two, and while i was still basking in the Star Trek induced haze of Zach Quinto drool. Yeah, i know that sounded wrong. Anyways, now that i totally love Mr. Tennant as the Doctor, i felt that it might be worthwhile to look it up again. IMO Mr. Quinto wins, but to be perfectly fair the author of the post totally used the same hairstyle from David repeatedly, merely from different angles, so Zach wins simply on versatility. Anyways, The Hair Off.

Alas and alack that i keep getting infatuated with these actors that are pleasantly geeky, are devoid of significant others, and vote for the other party (as it were: Zach strongly supported Obama, and David votes Labour... which is also true of J.K. Rowling, which is neither here nor there, save that David was in the fourth Potter film and both Brits profess to be Christians).

oh yeah...

i meant to say this a couple of weeks ago, but forgot.

i would really like to see, just for once, anything where John Savage does not play a drunk and/or mentally deranged individual.

And now, back to this week's Fringe.

watching Heroes

Well, i'm waiting for it to load. i've been putting it off because i have absolutely no desire to see any more lesbian kisses. Does anyone else have a bad feeling about Claire's roommate, Gretchen???

New Moon... dang it

So yesterday i forced my sister to finally watch Twilight, and inexplicably i was noticing new things, probably because i was knitting and that just increases my awareness. Afterwards we watched the New Moon trailers; i am so excited, but we'll be in the Mediterranean when it premieres, so i'm going to have to wait a while to see it. One of the things that has bothered me about Twilight (in the parking lot accident) and New Moon (in the birthday party and Volturi scenes of the trailers) is the haphazard physicality that is going on. Edward wasn't meant to just stop the van with his hand, it was more involved than that in the book: he lifted the van, shifted Bella's legs out of the way so they wouldn't get pinned, etc. They so dropped the ball in the movie, even cutting out Bella's head injury (many of the things they changed in the movie made absolutely no sense whatsoever). Well it seems to be continuing in New Moon, unfortunately. First off, it's been a while since i read it, but i don't remember things coming to blows in the Volturi's inner sanctum. The more obviously glaring mistake is in the birthday scene, where Edward seems to be forcibly shoving Bella backwards (which is something he would never do, just as he would have never taken Bella to play baseball when there was a random vampire killing people in the area) and tackling Jasper. In the book, it's true that Edward knocks Bella over, but he's using himself as a shield, not destroying pianos with his brother. i guess TPTB felt they had to play the scene up, when in reality it's dramatic enough on its own, and the entire point of the scene is that the incident was not really a big deal in Bella's mind, so much as it was in Edward's.

i don't know who is making these choices on the film, but they need to get with it. Vampires are hyper aware and super strong and can make decisions faster than a normal human, and they don't go around haphazardly shoving people about because they've already come to blows several times in the blink of an eye. Taylor Lautner's physicality while jumping in Bella's window is the level they needed all of the movie's stunts to be at, and i don't know if that means stunt doubles, or cgi, or what, but what they are currently doing is not cutting it. The consumers of movies are now used to bullet time, you can't get buy with shoddy film making like this and just expect the consumer to ignore it. What are they going to do in Eclipse when the Cullens are teaching the wolf pack how vampires fight? i imagine they'll probably skip the scene entirely, because it's too expensive or impractical, but these movies are turning into the Harry Potter films, where they seem to randomly cut things out and rearrange plot lines and later realize... "what the heck are we supposed to do now, we royally botched this." Have these people read the books? Cuz it looks like they haven't, and most of their audience has.

Then there's the indecency of this screenshot (featured on Twilighter's Anonymous), where Mr. Pattinson's pants are practically falling off: his six pack looks air brushed on, and... did someone bite his left nipple? Every time i see the preview, i cannot help but think "wow, i did not want to just see his pubes" (was that from Wayne's World? i think it was).

i don't know, maybe i am assuming too much, maybe the average consumer isn't as aware of film making as i am, but i just expect better. i'm looking forward to seeing New Moon, but i already expect to be just as disappointed by it as i was by Twilight. The book is always better.

ETA: Is it just me, or is the Volvo black now??? Why?

an interesting contrast

Does anyone else think that the orange scrubs that the residents from Mercy West wear makes them look like convicts???

Mmm, Muse

i was watching FlashForward tonight, and V had several previews (can hardly wait until November 3rd!!!), a couple of them featuring Muse's new song Uprising. i love Muse.

Jane Austen quote

"Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves; vanity, to what we would have others think of us."

yeah, i'm not very vain, but i can only give so much.

geeky pleasures and let downs

i have been watching Fringe, Heroes, and Grey's online mostly, with some Doctor Who thrown in (and disc one of season one of Ugly Betty yesterday, ty Netflix). i have been too mentally consumed with school to really overanalyze much (midterms last week and this week, such a relief to get them finished). Fringe is going slowly, Sylar returns, Grey's is merely meh (not horrible... but not great either).

The latest emotional upheaval (such as what i would usually discuss on Spontaneous Overflow, rather than here) has been WoW. After weeks of every 25 Ulduar raid being a wipe 20 times to maybe down one boss fest, i lost it in /g, to put things mildly. i have gently advised that it is ridiculous to expect the guild to be able to down anything in 25 Uld when there are guildees that never got fully geared in 25 Naxx and 10 Uld (i am one of them, this despite the fact that i have faithfully attended raids for months). As if that weren't bad enough, TPTB keep recruiting people who are incredibly undergeared, so they cannot even begin to pull their weight. i'm not exactly sure what happened, but Levi (the guild master) apparently got mad at me for being "negative" all the time (this was my first emotional outburst of any sort since Daymann and Fearhavok ganged up on me). He /g kicked me, without warning, without explanation, and put me on ignore. i have heard from a couple of people that this decision was frowned upon and it was requested but last time i was on i had yet to receive a reinvite or explanation and most of the time i'm rather disinclined to want one.

i really liked Levi when he became guild master, but since then he's been rather two faced, and seems to have the tendency to play favorites. He'll say that i'm his "go-to" hunter, but neglect to invite me to raids. My gear speaks for itself, i have one piece of 25 Uld gear (a one hand sword, ironically enough: all of our rogues use daggers, warriors and dks two-handers, so i lucked out). i have gotten a couple of pieces of 10 Uld gear, despite the fact that i have only been inside three times, and only once as part of a guild progression run, and that was because someone had to leave early and was after the newly-promoted to Co-GM Daymann had gotten Avalanche (a bow for a rogue, i kid you not). Similarly, i have only been inside 10 TOC (ToCr to some of you) three times, and never gotten any drops, just badges (which i will admit enabled me to get my one piece of T9 sooner, my shoulders). The one time we went to 25 TOC no bosses were downed.

So, just to be clear, my gear is comprised of:
T8 head (vendor)
vendor neck
T9 shoulders (vendor)
vendor cloak
T8 chest (vendor)
Naxx 25 wrists
T8.5 hands (VOA meh replacement to Hands of Taut Grip from 10 Uld)
vendor belt
T7.5 pants (VOA)
Naxx 25 leather boots
Gundrak ring
vendor ring
vendor trink
Brewfest trink (that replaced a blue heroic trink)
Malice (that 25 Uld sword)
Kinetic Ripper (10 Uld fists)
Arrowsong (Naxx 25 bow off PATCHWERK)

Okay, so, my gear could be a lot worse. i have really good vendor gear, the best available, the only available, and got the majority of those emblems doing heroics in pugs, because for some odd reason everyone in my guild doesn't want to do heroics with me. Now, the core seems to get on around noon (1 p.m server) and get saved to everything while i'm still in school. The rest just ignore me. Eggy says that people say i'm mean, i don't know what that is supposed to mean because i'm always going out of my way to be nice to people and get messed over as a result. This is truly just indicative of the fact that there is too much dps on Hakkar so it is incredibly hard to get any group, let alone one at my level (my last few pugged heroics i was doing twice as much dps as anyone else). Needless to say, i am absolutely thrilled that in the next patch Triumphs will be the new emblem because i rarely get to do the heroic of the day and everything else i don't need. All my upgrades are in Triumphs (please can i have some new pants???).

Now, i am thrilled about my two new one-handers, because i was previously swinging the staff off 25 KT (consolation prize that i got after the then-GM passed me over on the gun, which i still need): this was the first time i had ever not dual wielded. But as you can see, i'm a hunter, when i get one handers, they're cast offs: no one else wants them, no one rolled against me. The bow i have was an upgrade from the UtP bow, and i almost didn't get it because a warrior out rolled me, and he g-quit when they gave it to me. i never aimed for this bow, i wanted the gun off KT since Wrath went live, and i'm never going to get it (it's my bow off Prince, the only time it will ever drop for me again is once i get another char to 80 lol), once we started downing KT we moved on to Uld 10 runs that i was never invited to. The night before my emotional vomit, the guild ran Ony 25 (on the night i have my night class): a hunter that rarely shows up for raids and always leaves early got the gun. So i got very upset learning that. Ranged weapons have an extremely low drop rate, you can't buy them off vendors anymore, i was feeling just royally screwed.

So, i know i was qqing that night, and i'm not proud of it, but it took me over six months of simmering for it to happen. What is the point in being in a guild that doesn't down bosses for two months (except the nights i can't get on, and thus no emblems), won't do heroics with me (no emblems), won't let me into progression runs (except 25 man, we don't have enough as it is, and again big whoop we don't down anything, so just repair bills), i'm not invited to 10 man progression runs (well, 3 times in over 3 months), and the one guild puggish 10 man i only got into once, which was fun. i even go to Naxx to help others, even though i don't need emblems anymore. So, the only thing i can figure that Levi would have to go on for my "complaining" was the advice i gave when he asked for it 95% of the time. i bit my tongue on the rest. Is it really complaining to say "good job everyone" for pulling more than once every half hour (got to understand, the co-GM usually takes about 2 hours to explain fights that we all know or should know already)? Because he would do it, but yell at me when i did it. Is it complaining to say "we need to get people geared so we wipe less in 25 Uld" when i haven't gotten geared, let alone the new recruits? There is nothing else that i can do myself without Triumphs, i have everything enchanted, i have to raid to get gear to drop to get upgrades.

i loved hanging out with everyone, and generally felt more appreciated than ever before, i am completely grateful to the people who would do groups with me as much as they did, and joked around with me in raids (note: my sarcastic/ironic jokes are also not complaining, and if Elfogods can do it, so can i). i have discovered that 10 mans are the most fun, and in 25 mans everyone feels like a stranger. Some nights i just get disconnected constantly in 25 mans, and that also stinks because i'm dying, i feel like i'm letting everyone down, and there's nothing i can do about it! i already upgraded my computer, i can't afford new internet. What is most ironic about this is that the GM and co-GMs complain all the time, no exaggeration, and if they are allowed to bring down morale every single day, why is it such a big deal for me to lose it once every six months? i was online five nights a week, putting in all the effort that i could, and to get kicked was heartbreaking. i was depressed for three days, perplexed, and i still don't understand why he would kick me. Now, i feel relieved because i was constantly under so much pressure. Between work and school and WoW i was at my breaking point (thus the reason i broke). i love Who Pulled, but i don't want to be in a guild that doesn't support me, that isn't fun, that isn't going anywhere.

You have to look out for your guildees. i don't expect new gear to drop every week, but once in over six months? That's a really dry spell. If you are going to recruit undergeared people, you must gear them. Similarly, faithful members of the guild should not be ignored, put down, berated, or disrespected, period. If one puts in the work, he or she should get rewarded, and respected, not be left wondering why the GM is lying to one's face. i have to put up with that enough at work and school, i don't want to do it during my fun time, too.

So, i didn't want to leave the guild, i wasn't looking for a new one, or to return to Predestined even, but now i have to wonder... do i even want back in to Who Pulled? Forget the fact that all my "friends" are in the guild now, do they even respect me or appreciate how much i am sacrificing? i have been raiding for three years now, for a GM to just ignore my experience is short sighted. i don't have to be an officer, not everyone has to salute by any stretch, but how about a little common decency? What is the point in rewarding people who are habitually rude and/or obnoxious (well, that was a given, as they are Levi's best friends, of course he isn't going to kick them)? i don't hold up the raid, i come with my A game, doing the best that i can to perform. i have invested real money, precious time... i don't ask for much in return. Maybe i should find a new guild, but i don't even know where to start. Truth be told, i don't know what to do.