I have spent my entire life as a loner. It's something i wonder about, how i got stuck in the corner and have never been able to find my way out. It started about the time i went to preschool and seemed to just snowball from there. I as socially awkward and/or inept. I am always alone. I seem to have missed a memo or a dozen about certain social niceties and rules that are inexplicably complex. I alternate between wanting to do what others expect and, quite honestly, not giving a frak. I have asked a couple of people to explain it to me, and they all unfortunately declined, but i quite frequently feel as if the entire universe has it out for me, as if they hate and barely tolerate me, as if no one likes me and everyone only wants to use me.
At school this was a simple assumption. I had few friends to speak of, and most were hinding things from me. Those people who were sometimes nice to me, sometimes not, always wanted something from me (for example, help with homework). Between telling me to my face that i was fat, using me and then ignoring me, being rude when i refused to be used, it was all discouraging. This is all completely separate from the psychologial anguish i went through in volleyball, band, and praise team at church. But this has become the story of my life with work and college only becoming new variations on this theme.
On WoW, things have taken a slightly different form. In BC, sometimes this was guildees wanting to be carried in dungeons/raids only to abandon us once they had better gear. From Wrath onward it has taken a more painful route...younger men wanting to use me as a sympathetic ear about their problems, usually involving women, but not always. These "men" generally still live at home, have little to no real responsibilitiy in RL, have more time online than they really need to have, and are better geared than i am. They give me gifts that i do not ask for, gifts that do not mean a lot to them but seem extravagant to me. And then they proceed to pull me down emotionally. They spend all their available time with me for a while, then disappear. The emotional toll of this is personally high. It's not that i get too involved, it's that it's very draining and frustrating. I don't know how to set good/healthy restrictions, i don't know how to handle them, i drown and then they cut and run. The main reason i let them do it? Because they are the only people who give a frak about me. They're the only people who will help me or spend any time with me at all. No other guildees gives a frak about me, i have no other friends, etc. I hate it.
Right now i am most upset about Blizz and WoWInsider. With Blizz, i pay for a service, it doesn't get delivered, i ask for help, i am ignored. With WoWInsider i applied for a job and received no response...but even more i leave a Q4tQ and am ignored. I comment on the Blizz forums and receive little to no response. What response i receive is not helpful.
I hate being ignored. I hate being alone. And yet both are a perpetual state for me. I did not choose this. Everywhere i go, this is how i am treated, and it hurts. It's frustrating. It's exhausting. And i feel like it permeates every area of my life, both RL and online, my writing, any online community i try to join, people use me and dump me, people shut me out and hurt me. Everything is pain and there's never any gain, but without the pain there never will be any gain. What the frak am i doing wrong?
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
more download fail
Yesterday when i got home from work the D3 downloader wouldn't work. I got a little worried and immediately started to copy the files to my backup hard drive, something that i hadn't done in a while. I thought my automatic backup would do it but for some reason it didn't. Anyways, to make a long story short, i only got half of my ~95% download copied over before the downloader deleted all my progress and started again at zero. I was back to 49%. Overnight it only got up to 53% before crashing.
So this morning i tried transferring the downloader and my progress to my netbook... I thought it might work better and maybe i could go to my aunt's house for an hour or two and download it with her super fast net. Well the stupid downloader deleted what i had put on the netbook and started at zero again.
Really? Am i going to have to download D3 illegally in order to use what i legally own? Epic fail.
ETA: Can it be illegal when i legally own it? When the company that sold it to me refuses to provide me with a functioning product?
So this morning i tried transferring the downloader and my progress to my netbook... I thought it might work better and maybe i could go to my aunt's house for an hour or two and download it with her super fast net. Well the stupid downloader deleted what i had put on the netbook and started at zero again.
Really? Am i going to have to download D3 illegally in order to use what i legally own? Epic fail.
ETA: Can it be illegal when i legally own it? When the company that sold it to me refuses to provide me with a functioning product?
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
d3 annoyance, minecraft black hole
So as most of you probably know if you're reading this blog for the
WoW updates, Diablo 3 finally went live eight days ago. I have been
trying to download D3 on and off since March 18. Unfortunately the
downloader doesn't quite work as well as it should. The only thing i
can figure is that it's meant to be a background downloader. It never
downloads at a speed that would prohibit one from doing other things
online. Over the course of the download i think that i have uploaded
more than i have downloaded via the P2P and when i tried to download
directly without P2P the download would be slowed to a trickle and
quickly become non-existent at all.
I'm not sure that i'm upset about how slow things have been (much slower than if i were able to use my download accelerator) because i am sure that a lot of people have been trying to download it as the same time as me. No, i'm annoyed that the downloader crashes constantly. There's no error message, it just inexplicably decides to close itself rather than do its job. If i set it up to download overnight then it will not even get through half a percent before crashing. So i only got to 20% before last week because it slipped my mind after the first few nights of this nonsense. It wasn't until about ten days ago that i started making a more concerted effort again.
But of course it isn't even enough to have the downloader running in the background while you're still using the computer. That seemed to help, but around about 45-46% the dang downloader was so slow that i was sure there was something wrong with it, and it was closing itself nearly instantly. So i got fed up and decided to see if there was a fix and/or new downloader on Sunday (May 20). This is after trying to download for hours four days in a row and getting only 25% completed. Perhaps this is because so many other people were trying to download at the same time, but i figured that i was being sly using the old downloader while other people would be using the new one. No such luck.
So Sunday morning i downloaded the new launcher before church after discovering that my overnight download had gotten absolutely nowhere. Wasn't i surprised when i discovered that the D3 launcher is broken just like the MoP beta launcher...it won't get past the "Updating Setup Files" window and the D3 "fix" that people were advocating was using the old downloader. I was more than a little upset about this on Sunday. I have personally known about this issue for a month (though it feels like twice that amount of time) and not only has Bizzard done absolutely nothing about it but they are basically shipping a product that they know isn't going to work. That or ignoring their beta testers.
Now the common response to this on the forum was "you don't get to complain because you didn't pay for the game." On the contrary, i am paying $120 as opposed to the $60 the rest of you are paying! There is no way that i would have committed to playing WoW for an entire year without the Annual Pass guarantee of 1) "Free" copy of Diablo 3 and 2) Mists of Pandaria beta invite. So far my $120 has gotten me absolutely nothing but broken promises. This is $120 that i cannot even afford to be spending, and in reality it is an installment plan with four months of free WoW. That is what i am paying for because of my loyalty to the game. A game that i know doesn't ever really live up to its promises but that i cannot stand to stop playing because i love it so much anyway.
So instead of staring at "Updating Setup Files" perpetually i decided to stick with the old downloader and hope that the game will work when i'm finished and not have to be patched with the broken launcher. I am going to be very upset if the game doesn't work after spending so much time restarting this downloader! And it required me to find something to do on my computer while i was babysitting the downloader.
Basically i got sucked into the black hole that is Minecraft fairly recently and over the past three days i built my wolf pack (why are they always underfoot but only fight for me about half the time and get in the way when they are fighting?), wheat and pig farm, and underground home complete with adjacent lighthouse tower and moat defense system. What's really pissing me off at the moment is that i seem to have lost experience somewhere (and i haven't died lately...) and there is a nearby dungeon or cave with lots of mobs in it that i cannot find anywhere. So any time i am in my home there is the perpetual sound of water, zombies moaning, and skeletons clinking. I got fed up with that last night. I cannot tell which direction the sounds are coming from at all. I think i'm going to build a basement next. The irony about my cave home? When i first found this cave a creeper blew me up and then i couldn't find it again before my game crashed and all my supplies and xp disappeared.
In my first Minecraft world i got to lvl 16 and stumbled upon a village. I then found a shaft in the middle of the village that went down to lava and somehow got pushed in while a zombie was pushing me uphill. I died, the game crashed, and when i went back the village and shaft were no more but one of my dogs was sitting in the middle of a new forest waiting for me to come back. I was so upset that i deleted the entire world and started again. I do have a cave near my spawn point for that world but i'm not really enjoying this world. There seem to be more creepers in this version, ender men and iron are abundant, but i have yet to find redstone, gold, or diamond. I found some clay but have yet to use it and have been thinking about taming an ocelot. I play the game entirely too much...and secretly wish i could find a Chip's Challenge or Lego texture pack.
Anyways, if i am downloading while reading fic or playing Minecraft then the D3 downloader seems to be much less likely to close. It still happens from time to time but it allows for downloading over greater lengths of time. If i go afk to watch a movie in the next room for example the downloader will always close while i'm gone within the first 30-60 minutes. If i'm on my computer it only happens once ever few hours. But since Sunday i have gotten over the ~45% hump and am now over 90%. By this evening i should be able to log into D3 only a week later than expected. God willing. I am so sick of Blizzard's stuff not working, it makes me sad.
I'm not sure that i'm upset about how slow things have been (much slower than if i were able to use my download accelerator) because i am sure that a lot of people have been trying to download it as the same time as me. No, i'm annoyed that the downloader crashes constantly. There's no error message, it just inexplicably decides to close itself rather than do its job. If i set it up to download overnight then it will not even get through half a percent before crashing. So i only got to 20% before last week because it slipped my mind after the first few nights of this nonsense. It wasn't until about ten days ago that i started making a more concerted effort again.
But of course it isn't even enough to have the downloader running in the background while you're still using the computer. That seemed to help, but around about 45-46% the dang downloader was so slow that i was sure there was something wrong with it, and it was closing itself nearly instantly. So i got fed up and decided to see if there was a fix and/or new downloader on Sunday (May 20). This is after trying to download for hours four days in a row and getting only 25% completed. Perhaps this is because so many other people were trying to download at the same time, but i figured that i was being sly using the old downloader while other people would be using the new one. No such luck.
So Sunday morning i downloaded the new launcher before church after discovering that my overnight download had gotten absolutely nowhere. Wasn't i surprised when i discovered that the D3 launcher is broken just like the MoP beta launcher...it won't get past the "Updating Setup Files" window and the D3 "fix" that people were advocating was using the old downloader. I was more than a little upset about this on Sunday. I have personally known about this issue for a month (though it feels like twice that amount of time) and not only has Bizzard done absolutely nothing about it but they are basically shipping a product that they know isn't going to work. That or ignoring their beta testers.
Now the common response to this on the forum was "you don't get to complain because you didn't pay for the game." On the contrary, i am paying $120 as opposed to the $60 the rest of you are paying! There is no way that i would have committed to playing WoW for an entire year without the Annual Pass guarantee of 1) "Free" copy of Diablo 3 and 2) Mists of Pandaria beta invite. So far my $120 has gotten me absolutely nothing but broken promises. This is $120 that i cannot even afford to be spending, and in reality it is an installment plan with four months of free WoW. That is what i am paying for because of my loyalty to the game. A game that i know doesn't ever really live up to its promises but that i cannot stand to stop playing because i love it so much anyway.
So instead of staring at "Updating Setup Files" perpetually i decided to stick with the old downloader and hope that the game will work when i'm finished and not have to be patched with the broken launcher. I am going to be very upset if the game doesn't work after spending so much time restarting this downloader! And it required me to find something to do on my computer while i was babysitting the downloader.
Basically i got sucked into the black hole that is Minecraft fairly recently and over the past three days i built my wolf pack (why are they always underfoot but only fight for me about half the time and get in the way when they are fighting?), wheat and pig farm, and underground home complete with adjacent lighthouse tower and moat defense system. What's really pissing me off at the moment is that i seem to have lost experience somewhere (and i haven't died lately...) and there is a nearby dungeon or cave with lots of mobs in it that i cannot find anywhere. So any time i am in my home there is the perpetual sound of water, zombies moaning, and skeletons clinking. I got fed up with that last night. I cannot tell which direction the sounds are coming from at all. I think i'm going to build a basement next. The irony about my cave home? When i first found this cave a creeper blew me up and then i couldn't find it again before my game crashed and all my supplies and xp disappeared.
In my first Minecraft world i got to lvl 16 and stumbled upon a village. I then found a shaft in the middle of the village that went down to lava and somehow got pushed in while a zombie was pushing me uphill. I died, the game crashed, and when i went back the village and shaft were no more but one of my dogs was sitting in the middle of a new forest waiting for me to come back. I was so upset that i deleted the entire world and started again. I do have a cave near my spawn point for that world but i'm not really enjoying this world. There seem to be more creepers in this version, ender men and iron are abundant, but i have yet to find redstone, gold, or diamond. I found some clay but have yet to use it and have been thinking about taming an ocelot. I play the game entirely too much...and secretly wish i could find a Chip's Challenge or Lego texture pack.
Anyways, if i am downloading while reading fic or playing Minecraft then the D3 downloader seems to be much less likely to close. It still happens from time to time but it allows for downloading over greater lengths of time. If i go afk to watch a movie in the next room for example the downloader will always close while i'm gone within the first 30-60 minutes. If i'm on my computer it only happens once ever few hours. But since Sunday i have gotten over the ~45% hump and am now over 90%. By this evening i should be able to log into D3 only a week later than expected. God willing. I am so sick of Blizzard's stuff not working, it makes me sad.
Sunday, May 06, 2012
an afternoon at the movies
I went to see the Avengers this afternoon (more on that after the cut). There was about twenty minutes of previews in front of it. I just want to say a few things.
Expendables 2 - I haven't seen the first one. The only thing i could thing of when i saw van Damme was that he is a"maj" (i have no idea if that is how it's spelled, but think of the j in jacques and you have the pronunciation) in WoW. I don't really care for Sly, and sadly Statham makes movies that are hit or miss, but can i just say...Bruce and Arnold in a smart car = epic win. (Oh, and Chuck Norris with guns...kind of weird but i can get used to it, after all, he is a hunter.)
Prometheus - I have seen this preview about ten times (well...five or six) now and it still gets me so excited. The musical "scream" at the end is just...breathtaking. I know, some people might think it's annoying, but all it does is remind me of the old tagline from the original Alien films..."In space, no one can hear you scream." And scream the characters do.
Amazing Spider-man - Whining Spider-boy is more like it. But i cannot help but be intrigued by this preview. And i hate that. I always expected more from Peter than we were ever given, and i don't think a new actor in the role is going to help that.
Battleship - I hope this is good. They've got Aslan and a wanna-be Dee (from BSG), can they make me care?
Dark Knight Rises - This was the first time i had seen this version of the preview. I was pretty psyched by the end of it. There was the obligatory "flash a few seconds of all your favorite characters" in it, but Cat Woman/Anne Hathaway...i'm really intrigued. I wasn't sure that she could pull it off but i think that she's going to do better than Pfeiffer. But who is this bad guy? I don't think they even say his name in the trailer, or if they do it was too fast to catch. I thought Riddler was going to be in this one?
BRAVE - Another new preview, the second or third one i've seen for this film, and every time i see one i am dying to see this film. I actually cried today. Billy Connolly is so funny and Kelly MacDonald...maybe it's just because i loved her so much in Decoy Bride, but i am falling more and more in love with the characters she plays. I think she's finally coming into her own and i love how the accents are thicker than what's usual for Hollywood. Scottish is so sexy. I hope this isn't going to be a "marriage is horrible" thing (though i'd run away with her options, too) so much as a "be true to yourself" with "and your family" realized at the end. Gingers ftw.
And Avengers...
Expendables 2 - I haven't seen the first one. The only thing i could thing of when i saw van Damme was that he is a"maj" (i have no idea if that is how it's spelled, but think of the j in jacques and you have the pronunciation) in WoW. I don't really care for Sly, and sadly Statham makes movies that are hit or miss, but can i just say...Bruce and Arnold in a smart car = epic win. (Oh, and Chuck Norris with guns...kind of weird but i can get used to it, after all, he is a hunter.)
Prometheus - I have seen this preview about ten times (well...five or six) now and it still gets me so excited. The musical "scream" at the end is just...breathtaking. I know, some people might think it's annoying, but all it does is remind me of the old tagline from the original Alien films..."In space, no one can hear you scream." And scream the characters do.
Amazing Spider-man - Whining Spider-boy is more like it. But i cannot help but be intrigued by this preview. And i hate that. I always expected more from Peter than we were ever given, and i don't think a new actor in the role is going to help that.
Battleship - I hope this is good. They've got Aslan and a wanna-be Dee (from BSG), can they make me care?
Dark Knight Rises - This was the first time i had seen this version of the preview. I was pretty psyched by the end of it. There was the obligatory "flash a few seconds of all your favorite characters" in it, but Cat Woman/Anne Hathaway...i'm really intrigued. I wasn't sure that she could pull it off but i think that she's going to do better than Pfeiffer. But who is this bad guy? I don't think they even say his name in the trailer, or if they do it was too fast to catch. I thought Riddler was going to be in this one?
BRAVE - Another new preview, the second or third one i've seen for this film, and every time i see one i am dying to see this film. I actually cried today. Billy Connolly is so funny and Kelly MacDonald...maybe it's just because i loved her so much in Decoy Bride, but i am falling more and more in love with the characters she plays. I think she's finally coming into her own and i love how the accents are thicker than what's usual for Hollywood. Scottish is so sexy. I hope this isn't going to be a "marriage is horrible" thing (though i'd run away with her options, too) so much as a "be true to yourself" with "and your family" realized at the end. Gingers ftw.
And Avengers...
Wednesday, May 02, 2012
i'm on fire!
Mount #103 - Spectral Wolf
Mount #104 - Swift Purple Raptor
Oh, and i finally succeeded at raid finder last night...Deathwing is dead!
I didn't think to take a screenshot until after the loots had been handed out. All i got was some meh boots. They were a slight upgrade.
More to come, i'm sure. I'm starting to focus on companions some more and am working on mounts with a fervor.
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
Terrorpene
Terrorpene --> Tortuga
I've considered taming this guy in the past, but never bothered to try. I had seen him up between 3-5 times in the past, and he didn't make my NPC Scan go off this visit, but i decided to see if he was up. He was, so i flew to the nearest Stable, put away two pets, flew back, browsed some WoWhead comments, landed, tamed. It wasn't difficult at all (i was expecting him to knock me back or rape my face or something. Yes, he damages you while you're taming him, but at my ilvl it doesn't seem to matter. He's unique because he leaves a trail of smoke in his wake and constantly sizzles (this one is a constant, somewhat annoying, somewhat cool sound).
I'm at 377 PvE and 383 PvP. I don't think there's much in the way of upgrades for me outside DS. Maybe there's something in the 4.3 heroics that refuses to drop. A lousy trink upgrade and a boot upgrade for VP, maybe a cloak, but i'm mostly wearing 378. I think i should try Raid Finder again but it puts fear in me...i hate getting frozen and constant disconnects in 25 mans.
I'm at 377 PvE and 383 PvP. I don't think there's much in the way of upgrades for me outside DS. Maybe there's something in the 4.3 heroics that refuses to drop. A lousy trink upgrade and a boot upgrade for VP, maybe a cloak, but i'm mostly wearing 378. I think i should try Raid Finder again but it puts fear in me...i hate getting frozen and constant disconnects in 25 mans.
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