Doesn't Play Well with Others

I have spent my entire life as a loner.  It's something i wonder about, how i got stuck in the corner and have never been able to find my way out.  It started about the time i went to preschool and seemed to just snowball from there.  I as socially awkward and/or inept.  I am always alone.  I seem to have missed a memo or a dozen about certain social niceties and rules that are inexplicably complex.  I alternate between wanting to do what others expect and, quite honestly, not giving a frak.  I have asked a couple of people to explain it to me, and they all unfortunately declined, but i quite frequently feel as if the entire universe has it out for me, as if they hate and barely tolerate me, as if no one likes me and everyone only wants to use me.

At school this was a simple assumption.  I had few friends to speak of, and most were hinding things from me.  Those people who were sometimes nice to me, sometimes not, always wanted something from me (for example, help with homework).  Between telling me to my face that i was fat, using me and then ignoring me, being rude when i refused to be used, it was all discouraging.  This is all completely separate from the psychologial anguish i went through in volleyball, band, and praise team at church.  But this has become the story of my life with work and college only becoming new variations on this theme.

On WoW, things have taken a slightly different form.  In BC, sometimes this was guildees wanting to be carried in dungeons/raids only to abandon us once they had better gear.  From Wrath onward it has taken a more painful route...younger men wanting to use me as a sympathetic ear about their problems, usually involving women, but not always.  These "men" generally still live at home, have little to no real responsibilitiy in RL, have more time online than they really need to have, and are better geared than i am.  They give me gifts that i do not ask for, gifts that do not mean a lot to them but seem extravagant to me.  And then they proceed to pull me down emotionally.  They spend all their available time with me for a while, then disappear.  The emotional toll of this is personally high.  It's not that i get too involved, it's that it's very draining and frustrating.  I don't know how to set good/healthy restrictions, i don't know how to handle them, i drown and then they cut and run.  The main reason i let them do it?  Because they are the only people who give a frak about me.  They're the only people who will help me or spend any time with me at all.  No other guildees gives a frak about me, i have no other friends, etc.  I hate it.

Right now i am most upset about Blizz and WoWInsider.  With Blizz, i pay for a service, it doesn't get delivered, i ask for help, i am ignored.  With WoWInsider i applied for a job and received no response...but even more i leave a Q4tQ and am ignored.  I comment on the Blizz forums and receive little to no response.  What response i receive is not helpful.

I hate being ignored.  I hate being alone.  And yet both are a perpetual state for me.  I did not choose this.  Everywhere i go, this is how i am treated, and it hurts.  It's frustrating.  It's exhausting.  And i feel like it permeates every area of my life, both RL and online, my writing, any online community i try to join, people use me and dump me, people shut me out and hurt me.  Everything is pain and there's never any gain, but without the pain there never will be any gain.  What the frak am i doing wrong?

Deathwing is coming to town...

You've probably (maybe) noticed that i've been absent of late. I don't blog on Blogger much anymore, i've mostly been converted to LiveJournal (gasp!). There was a while that i was taking a break from WoW, too, both to let go of some baggage from my old guild, and because of financial reasons. But i've been playing again for about the past six weeks and several developments have ensued.

• Lui finally got into ICC, one shotting everything in the first wing (not my usual raid style, i'm used to working for everything and wiping repeatedly, then kicking the boss' a$$ against all odds)
• i FINALLY managed to get an Azure Whelpling to drop in Azshara after farming on and off for about a year
• i got a Brewfest Kodo (but alas, not a Ram)
• Lui is 3k gold away from a mechano hog.
• Fyreanjel dinged 80!  She's been healing up a storm in dungeons.  Having three heirlooms really helped her get from 70-80, as only having one was making it take forever and was very discouraging.
• i've tried tanking on Blanche a bit (she's at 67 atm), but i'm really not into DKs, and blood is my least favorite of the trees
• i got on Invy for a while the other day, because if she dings twice she'll be able to open a bunch of lockboxes that are filling her bank. A draenei shammy 8 lvls above her ganked her. I came back and got the shaman to 5% health before missing a kick (couldn't remember the hotkey, it's been at least six months since i was on her) when she was going to heal, and then snuffing it. She left me alone after that. I felt pretty good about nearly killing her (i mean, come on, EIGHT levels!).
  
• Last night i gave Estelril (my fledgling tankadin) some heirloom shoulders and blew through 13-20.  She was one bar from 21 when the servers went down this morning at midnight PDT.
  
• Last night Estelril healed in RFC, gradually losing three of the group members.  And then the rogue and i (the only veteran players in the instance) 2-shot all the content that stood between us and that satchel, with me tanking and healing and her stunlock OTing.

I know, last xpac i had a bunch of screencaps, but once again i was never offered a beta key (the opt in was always glitched for me, after multiple downloads, it would never send the info to Blizz), and when i tried to download the PTR, it was glitched, too.  When it tried to patch it would freeze and never download past the same point repeatedly.  I tried uninstalling and reinstalling and nothing would work.  So i have absolutely no idea what it's going to be like to dps with focus, heal with triage, or tank with holy power (or whatever it's called, i didn't even know about this change until last night when i saw the patch notes).  I think the druid eclipses sound pretty sweet and am planning to roll a Troll Druid and a Warrior Goblin.  I doubt that i'll take the Goblin past the starting zone, much as i've never got my DK to 70, but maybe i'll enjoy druids more this time around.  Unfortunately, i've heard tell that kitties are broken.

And that's about it.  Patch 4.0.1 is installing as i type, and i can hardly wait for class to be over so i can get on to this computer and start to see what changes Deathwing has in store.  Unfortunately, i also need to study for a midterm tonight.

yay! hulu is even more my friend!

Remember how i said that the end of Inu-Yasha was lame because it had no closure? Well the manga was apparently still going strong even after the anime was canceled and has continued to gain support. A new show, Inu-Yasha: the Final Act, has just started airing with 26 new episodes to finish out the story, and according to this article--Inu Yasha Final Act Simultaneous Release Planned--they're dubbing the English version at the same time and releasing it on Hulu. So i need to start watching it before it's replaced with later eps!

What's funny about my experience with anime is that i prefer Inu-Yasha in English (it was my first anime, and the Japanese voices just don't sound right to me), while Vandread and Full Metal Alchemist i would usually try to watch in Japanese and subtitled, but would watch both ways. i'm thinking about taking Japanese next fall.

astonishing, i know

i'm thinking about quitting WoW. Which is odd, because i am so in love with the game that one might even go with the label addicted. However, i am now guildless, have half rate gear because i was never deemed worthy of progression runs or running full clears long enough for me to get the drop off the final boss. i am so tired of being out dpsed by jerks and idiots who happen to have a better gun. If we had the same weapon, i would out dps them, and i often am very close to their level of dps with a far inferior weapon. Then i have to pug to get into dungeons for emblems and end up having to work incredibly hard not to pull agro off the tank. Last time i was in H ToC i kept my jousting javelin equipped for a long time and was still pulling agro. When i put my sword back on my belt i literally had to FD and MD every time the cd was up.

Other reasons: i want to get A's and am taking upper level courses for the rest of my school career, and... i cannot really afford the $15 a month fee. But i don't want to give up on gaming entirely. i miss Diablo II. i could play alone or with my sister (another reason WoW has lost it's charm, i've been utterly abandoned yet again). When playing with others, Diablo's minions get stronger accordingly, but you could totally solo everything (well, Diablo was nearly impossible to defeat as an assassin, but you get the idea). i finally looked up Aion, after purposefully ignoring it because there was no way i could take it up and play WoW, and wouldn't you know, it looks awesome but costs more to buy and still has the $15 a month fee. i've thought about Guild Wars, but when i looked it up online it looks like they want you to pay for additional items, like characters and bank slots (from what i can make out). Similarly, LotRO was horrible when i did the free trial, and i couldn't even try another class without deleting the first.

So i am not really sure what to do. i don't really like feeling like there is always a couple of people in any guild i join that have it out for me. i get overly defensive and emotional. i've been thinking about that a lot the past couple of days and feel that i probably get that from my father, who is very adamant about always being in command and having his wishes followed exactly, yada, yada, yada, as if he has an irrational fear of being disrespected or looked down upon that i have somehow inadvertently inherited. What really disturbs me is that i'm nice, i help people out, and i usually get mistreated. For example, Levi accused me of behaving the way that he allowed Daymann to, and because they know each other in RL, Daymann was often inexplicably rewarded after bad behavior. Trying to find help about what to take up instead of WoW i only stumbled upon people who were addicted to WoW and quit the game and described themselves as being right jerks while playing, on 24/7, and so rich that it was ridiculous (yeah, i'm not really addicted compared to some, though i did play too much in an attempt to curry favor from Levi, and we all know how that turned out). That (rude behavior) is so not who i am. i'm so tired of constantly being let down and being alone. idk, maybe i should just join a knitting circle or something. i really do not know what to do, i'm so tired of feeling so alone. i wish the Doctor would come rescue me... of course, a Mediterranean cruise would seem rather tame after traveling around in the TARDIS for a while.

Suddenly it's all so clear...

Last week we read "The Importance of Being Earnest" in Brit Lit and the professor had a slideshow with images of Oscar Wilde. One of them was the cover/poster for the movie Wilde (which i know Orli Bloom is in, but it somehow escaped me that it stars Stephen Fry, which is ironic in light of V for Vendetta). And suddenly, the message that J.K. Rowling had subtly told her readers (as much pains me to admit) that Dumbledore is gay was blatantly staring me in the face. Remember when he goes to meet Tom Riddle for the first time in the orphanage? Yes, well, i guess this image is worth a thousand words.

hectic finals preparation

i've only been watching Lost, Fringe, and two eps of Inu-Yasha lately. Every once in a while i'll catch an episode of Alias with my mom and sister (they're my dvds, but my sister is watching them for the first time, and some of them are new to my mom, too). i haven't been overly excited about Lost this season, it's been kind of interesting, but not enthralling. i'm hoping for a Daniel episode next week.

Fringe, on the other hand, is always interesting. i loved seeing the mini-Observer! And finding out about Olive... wow. Was it just me, or was her blanket starting to get bleached white when she woke up the first time (just like in the video at the end)??? It is going to be very interesting to see where this show is going. i think the woman in video is probably Nina Sharp and that next week we might finally get to meet the elusive CEO of Massive Dynamic (it's almost sweeps).

i am taking a break from WoW at least until finals are over: i don't have time to commit with it when i have work and school and am training for a triathlon. i have been reading a little bit of Twilight fanfic again and spoilers about New Moon. Mostly i am focused on RL though.

Saw the original Day the Earth Stood Still last week, was not impressed. It had pretty good special effects but the character development was thin while the director seemed to have an obsession with filming confused soldiers driving around in circles in the dark. i hope to see the new version with Keanu soon.

As far as reading, i'm slowly working on the War of the Rose trilogy (have the Last Paladin, can hardly wait to read it!) i should be focusing on Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, the Commitments, and other school related fare, but am sooo ready for summer break. i really, really, REALLY hate finals.